Change starts with ME!

Actually change starts with C but that's beside the point.  If you've been following/reading my blogs (thanks, by the way!) you can probably tell I'm sort of at a cross-roads.  I think I get this way every year at this time, when the new year is looming and I look back on the last year and decide it was pretty suckish in the personal development department.  I always want to change it and make the next year much, much better.  I'm not unhappy with my family life, there is no impending doom or gloom in that area, it's just me, personally.  ME.  Change has to start here.  With ME.  I've been giving myself the pep talk the last few days.  No one is going to knock on my door and hand me the key to unending happiness.  And I'm not naive enough to believe that I can always, always be happy.  Terrible things happen and I have to deal with those too.  But...if I want things to change in my life I have to be the one responsible for it.  I can't and don't expect Steve or anyone else in my immediate family circle to make things "better", or right, or...whatever.  It's not like things are horrible or bad. They are just the same.  Always the same.  I'm tired of same.  I want something different.  No drama, just different, more exciting stuff in my life.  Try new things, have new experiences.  Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I am a typical mom of two who carts her kids from practice to game to practice to game.  I eat this stuff up and live for it!  But that's temporary and I don't want to "start" my life after the boys are gone.  I want to start now.  So, apart from the ever constant "resolution" of losing weight, I want to try one new thing every few months.  I don't know what it will be, I'll have to research and see what is offered in town and maybe outside town a little bit, but I've got to do something.  I'm so freakin bored!!!  I think I feel it more this year than any other year because I'm here in a small town with very few friends and very few options.  And I will turn 40 this year and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I just want to have a fulfilled life.  So that is my vent, my rant.  My other lifestyle change!  

It's like pulling teeth...

I've been sick with the flu the last few days.  And I've been sleeping really hard lately.  This morning I woke up to go to work and just couldn't manage so I laid back down and fell asleep.  I had a dream that I lost two teeth.  Just pulled them right out of my mouth.  So I looked up what it meant and it means the loss of childhood dreams and a loss of innocence.  How sad.  Or maybe not.  I could look at the positive side and say maybe that just means I'm finally growing up and have let go of childish ways.  Yeah, maybe I'll go with that.

Daytime tv

Daytime tv is pretty horrible for me.  I'm grateful I work during the day.  I'm sick today so I get to stay home and watch tv.  I forgot how much I love The Price Is Right!!  Even with Drew Carey as host.  I miss Bob Barker but Drew Carey isn't so bad.  I can remember sitting at my Nanny's house during the summer and watching TPIR the shell game and the yodeling guy, those were my favorite games.  Oh and the one with the red and green price indicator thing.  And the Higher/Lower game.  Anyway....daytime tv is kind of depressing.  I've been watching for a few hours now and I'm convinced I'm going to get osteoarthritis, need dentures, suffer from incontinence and need a scooter from The Scooter Store by the time I'm 60.  I'm also thinking I should start looking in to AARP and the life insurance they offer, setting up funeral arrangements and buying stock in Activia and Depends.  Then I'll die of heart disease.  Time to pull the plug on the talking box and go back to work!

Life...in general

Ok, so back to the whole resolution topic.  It was a rough year, 2010.  Missing family, work (we HAVE work, which is awesome but we'd both like to be doing something we LOVE), money, just all kinds of stuff.  It's just life in general.  In 2011 I will turn 40.  A huge milestone!  And I feel like I'm missing a huge part of life.  I'm living life, but I'm not LIVING life.  So how do I start?  No one is going to live it for me, no one is going to give me what I want.  I have to do what I have to do to get what I want to get.  To live the life I want to have.  But where do I start?  Nothing is going to just happen, I have to make it happen.  How?  One foot in front of the other and one day at a time.  Once I figure out what it is I want......

Christmas 2010

Sure hope Christmas of 2011 is better.  Christmas of 2009 we had a blizzard and were snowed in, unable to go anywhere or do anything.  This year, time just seemed to get away from us and not everything was done.  Finances sucked.  Kids were sick.  Bah hum bug.  I certainly hope it just gets better for here on out. 

Oh Puhleeze!

It's that time of year again.  Time to make "resolutions".  To that I raise one fat middle finger and say bah hum bug.  Bah HUM Bug!  I said the same thing last year.  And the year before that.  Most likely the one before that too.  I always want to rebel against even making resolutions because I never follow through anyway but then I start to think, new year, new life, time to change, change is good, blah, blah, bloggity blog blah.  Then I start to feel guilty for not making any kind of resolution.  Guilt!  For not wanting to make a resolution to change something about myself.  Crazy, I know.  So I start to make a list in my head of things I should really do something about.  Here's my running list, in no particular order:
1. duh, lose some of this baby fat.  (baby is 11)
2.  stop drinking poison. (I lovingly call it Pepsi)
3. get my financial house in order. (by doing this I could probably pay for a personal trainer which would help with #1) (and probably #2)
4. get my spiritual house in order. (stop falling asleep before I've finished my prayers) and actually get my hiney to church more often.
5. Write, write, write (and maybe even try to get paid for it)
6. stop looking at the local dog shelter web site.  We don't need another dog, no matter how cute or pathetic they look. 
7. seriously stop wasting time on facebook
8. stop the sarcasm

Well, that's the start of the list.  Maybe not all are really "resolutions", probably more like lifestyle changes.  Or just really good ideas. 

If

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!!!  Actually, if you're happy and you know it, follow me here on blogger!!! 

Have a groovy day!

My Ryan

Happy birthday to my first born.  He is an amazing young man, very kind hearted, compassionate, helpful, handsome, just an over all good kid!!  I cannot brag enough about him.  He's funny, smart, resourceful, passionate about things.  I love him lots!

Would you light a candle?

Quoting James Keller, "A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle." 
I was thinking about this quote this morning as I was getting ready for work.  Not sure what made me think of it or why it just kept creeping up in my brain but I started thinking about what, exactly, it means to me on a personal level.  What does it mean to you?

My "big" kids....

Ok, my kids are big.  They were born off the charts and have pretty much remained off the charts.  They are healthy, thank you very much!  Since they were little the comments have always, always been, "Wow, he's a big boy!" Their shoulders are very broad and they are tall for their ages.  Both boys play sports and are pretty active.  At the first practice on Thursday the coach made a comment about Zach and another boy being "big boys".  Zach turns to the other boy and says, "is he calling us fat?" Let's just give these boys a complex!  I don't know if I'm offended, if I'm upset or ...... what??  He also told these boys to block and foul because they were big enough to get away with it.  Whatever that means. 

He thinks I'm beautiful

and he loves me.  It's all good ~   :)  I'm kinda crazy about him, too!

Training day

Had a training today for work.  I always dread these trainings.  They are far away and time consuming and even if the topic is a good one, I always forget most of it the minute I get in the car to go home.  Today was not much different except I actually enjoyed this speaker.  Most of them are dull, their topic over done and they are always a bit scattered.  I've never really tried public speaking so I probably shouldn't judge.  I already have forgotten the technical name of the topic he was covering but I do know that the premis of it was to just shut up and listen, it's not all about "you" and we have to practice extreme self care in order to be the best we can be for everyone else.  I'll have to refer back to my notes because my memory is so bad, but I plan to try this on the most difficult child we have in the center.  It will be difficult to show affection towards her but I should be able to handle not making the pissy faces at her.