Change starts with ME!

Actually change starts with C but that's beside the point.  If you've been following/reading my blogs (thanks, by the way!) you can probably tell I'm sort of at a cross-roads.  I think I get this way every year at this time, when the new year is looming and I look back on the last year and decide it was pretty suckish in the personal development department.  I always want to change it and make the next year much, much better.  I'm not unhappy with my family life, there is no impending doom or gloom in that area, it's just me, personally.  ME.  Change has to start here.  With ME.  I've been giving myself the pep talk the last few days.  No one is going to knock on my door and hand me the key to unending happiness.  And I'm not naive enough to believe that I can always, always be happy.  Terrible things happen and I have to deal with those too.  But...if I want things to change in my life I have to be the one responsible for it.  I can't and don't expect Steve or anyone else in my immediate family circle to make things "better", or right, or...whatever.  It's not like things are horrible or bad. They are just the same.  Always the same.  I'm tired of same.  I want something different.  No drama, just different, more exciting stuff in my life.  Try new things, have new experiences.  Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that I am a typical mom of two who carts her kids from practice to game to practice to game.  I eat this stuff up and live for it!  But that's temporary and I don't want to "start" my life after the boys are gone.  I want to start now.  So, apart from the ever constant "resolution" of losing weight, I want to try one new thing every few months.  I don't know what it will be, I'll have to research and see what is offered in town and maybe outside town a little bit, but I've got to do something.  I'm so freakin bored!!!  I think I feel it more this year than any other year because I'm here in a small town with very few friends and very few options.  And I will turn 40 this year and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I just want to have a fulfilled life.  So that is my vent, my rant.  My other lifestyle change!  

It's like pulling teeth...

I've been sick with the flu the last few days.  And I've been sleeping really hard lately.  This morning I woke up to go to work and just couldn't manage so I laid back down and fell asleep.  I had a dream that I lost two teeth.  Just pulled them right out of my mouth.  So I looked up what it meant and it means the loss of childhood dreams and a loss of innocence.  How sad.  Or maybe not.  I could look at the positive side and say maybe that just means I'm finally growing up and have let go of childish ways.  Yeah, maybe I'll go with that.

Daytime tv

Daytime tv is pretty horrible for me.  I'm grateful I work during the day.  I'm sick today so I get to stay home and watch tv.  I forgot how much I love The Price Is Right!!  Even with Drew Carey as host.  I miss Bob Barker but Drew Carey isn't so bad.  I can remember sitting at my Nanny's house during the summer and watching TPIR the shell game and the yodeling guy, those were my favorite games.  Oh and the one with the red and green price indicator thing.  And the Higher/Lower game.  Anyway....daytime tv is kind of depressing.  I've been watching for a few hours now and I'm convinced I'm going to get osteoarthritis, need dentures, suffer from incontinence and need a scooter from The Scooter Store by the time I'm 60.  I'm also thinking I should start looking in to AARP and the life insurance they offer, setting up funeral arrangements and buying stock in Activia and Depends.  Then I'll die of heart disease.  Time to pull the plug on the talking box and go back to work!

Life...in general

Ok, so back to the whole resolution topic.  It was a rough year, 2010.  Missing family, work (we HAVE work, which is awesome but we'd both like to be doing something we LOVE), money, just all kinds of stuff.  It's just life in general.  In 2011 I will turn 40.  A huge milestone!  And I feel like I'm missing a huge part of life.  I'm living life, but I'm not LIVING life.  So how do I start?  No one is going to live it for me, no one is going to give me what I want.  I have to do what I have to do to get what I want to get.  To live the life I want to have.  But where do I start?  Nothing is going to just happen, I have to make it happen.  How?  One foot in front of the other and one day at a time.  Once I figure out what it is I want......

Christmas 2010

Sure hope Christmas of 2011 is better.  Christmas of 2009 we had a blizzard and were snowed in, unable to go anywhere or do anything.  This year, time just seemed to get away from us and not everything was done.  Finances sucked.  Kids were sick.  Bah hum bug.  I certainly hope it just gets better for here on out. 

Oh Puhleeze!

It's that time of year again.  Time to make "resolutions".  To that I raise one fat middle finger and say bah hum bug.  Bah HUM Bug!  I said the same thing last year.  And the year before that.  Most likely the one before that too.  I always want to rebel against even making resolutions because I never follow through anyway but then I start to think, new year, new life, time to change, change is good, blah, blah, bloggity blog blah.  Then I start to feel guilty for not making any kind of resolution.  Guilt!  For not wanting to make a resolution to change something about myself.  Crazy, I know.  So I start to make a list in my head of things I should really do something about.  Here's my running list, in no particular order:
1. duh, lose some of this baby fat.  (baby is 11)
2.  stop drinking poison. (I lovingly call it Pepsi)
3. get my financial house in order. (by doing this I could probably pay for a personal trainer which would help with #1) (and probably #2)
4. get my spiritual house in order. (stop falling asleep before I've finished my prayers) and actually get my hiney to church more often.
5. Write, write, write (and maybe even try to get paid for it)
6. stop looking at the local dog shelter web site.  We don't need another dog, no matter how cute or pathetic they look. 
7. seriously stop wasting time on facebook
8. stop the sarcasm

Well, that's the start of the list.  Maybe not all are really "resolutions", probably more like lifestyle changes.  Or just really good ideas. 

If

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!!!  Actually, if you're happy and you know it, follow me here on blogger!!! 

Have a groovy day!

My Ryan

Happy birthday to my first born.  He is an amazing young man, very kind hearted, compassionate, helpful, handsome, just an over all good kid!!  I cannot brag enough about him.  He's funny, smart, resourceful, passionate about things.  I love him lots!

Would you light a candle?

Quoting James Keller, "A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle." 
I was thinking about this quote this morning as I was getting ready for work.  Not sure what made me think of it or why it just kept creeping up in my brain but I started thinking about what, exactly, it means to me on a personal level.  What does it mean to you?

My "big" kids....

Ok, my kids are big.  They were born off the charts and have pretty much remained off the charts.  They are healthy, thank you very much!  Since they were little the comments have always, always been, "Wow, he's a big boy!" Their shoulders are very broad and they are tall for their ages.  Both boys play sports and are pretty active.  At the first practice on Thursday the coach made a comment about Zach and another boy being "big boys".  Zach turns to the other boy and says, "is he calling us fat?" Let's just give these boys a complex!  I don't know if I'm offended, if I'm upset or ...... what??  He also told these boys to block and foul because they were big enough to get away with it.  Whatever that means. 

He thinks I'm beautiful

and he loves me.  It's all good ~   :)  I'm kinda crazy about him, too!

Training day

Had a training today for work.  I always dread these trainings.  They are far away and time consuming and even if the topic is a good one, I always forget most of it the minute I get in the car to go home.  Today was not much different except I actually enjoyed this speaker.  Most of them are dull, their topic over done and they are always a bit scattered.  I've never really tried public speaking so I probably shouldn't judge.  I already have forgotten the technical name of the topic he was covering but I do know that the premis of it was to just shut up and listen, it's not all about "you" and we have to practice extreme self care in order to be the best we can be for everyone else.  I'll have to refer back to my notes because my memory is so bad, but I plan to try this on the most difficult child we have in the center.  It will be difficult to show affection towards her but I should be able to handle not making the pissy faces at her. 

What to do when you don't know what to do?

Three years ago we moved from Arizona to Nebraska.  So far, I'm not a huge fan.  Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that rush hour now means 5 cars passing by instead sitting in traffic for an hour trying to get home.  I like it that my kids are relatively safer than they would have been in Arizona.  I truly, truly love opening my back door and seeing nearly every star in the sky.  Try getting THAT in the big city.  Can't see ANY stars in Phoenix between all the lights and the pollution.  However, I really, really miss our family.  Now it's just the 4 of us period.  It used to be at least 50 of us sitting around various tables at Thanksgiving, digging into turkey, mashed potatoes, all the good stuff.  Then some of us would either go to the movies or we'd all load up and take a ride around the neighborhoods looking to see if anyone had set up their Christmas lights.  Now, it's literally the 4 of us moping around looking at each other and thinking about all that we are missing out on.  On Christmas Eve, we'd all get together at my parents' house and everyone would be there, Santa would make an appearance and we'd eat great food and just have a really great time.  Now the 4 of us kind of treat it like it's just another day only with gifts.  There seems to be no joy.  No anticipation of seeing family after having breakfast casserole.  It's just very different than what we're used to.  My husbands family never did anything at all so I think he's probably more used to this than I am.  I don't think he likes it though.  He got used to "my" kind of holiday.  Anyway, I'm always wanting/willing to try different things so I search online and try to find something that will appeal to all of us.  So far, I've scored a big fat goose egg on great ideas.  I want to start new traditions, stuff that will keep my boys coming back even after they are married.  Stuff we can pass on to them when they start their own families.  I just haven't been successful yet in finding that one thing, that one, marvelous, magical, halleluja thing that appeals to us.  I'll keep trying though.  I'm even looking for things from different cultures and countries and seeing if something will spark for us.  Any suggestions? 

Memory

Have I mentioned that memory loss is a sign of aging and that I have it?  I think I have.  But I can't quite remember.  Anyway.  It is and I have it and it's hereditary apparently because my 14 year old has it too.  So does the 11 year old.  I say, "Ryan, is there anything I need to see, sign or know about for school tomorrow?".  And he'll say, "No, Mom.  I'm good!"  Fast forward to right before bed.  "Mom, I forgot.  You need to sign my progress reports."  Or, "Mom, I have an early practice tomorrow morning and I need to be there by 6."  He tells me this right before I go to bed when I've already done my "hurray!!" for the sleeping in I was going to get to do.  Then Zach.  "Oh yeah, I need a package of cookies for school tomorrow for our pebble party." Really?  It's almost 10 and all the stores close at 10.  I think I'm going to get those little voice recorders for the 3 of us and make us utter everything, everything into those and trade with each other as soon as we get home so we can listen to everything we'd normally forget to tell the other person. 

Black Friday

I don't participate in Black Friday sales.  I always want to after the fact though.  The thought of getting up in the freezing, freezing cold and driving to the nearest store, which is 25 miles away, does not appeal to me.  But then I wake up and think, wow, I really should have gone to Walmart, they have $3 hand mixers!!!  It's like a big let down that I missed the sales.  But then I realize just how dumb that is because I already have a hand mixer that works perfectly and I got it for FREE 16 years ago when I got married!  Maybe one of these days I'll get enough nerve to go and check things out.  But probably not. :)

Baby Jesus Hotdog and Baby Jesus Peanut

Have I told anyone lately how much I love, love, loved the whole preschool/kindergarten experience with my kids?  Both boys went to Trinity preschool and really love the whole experience and their teachers.  I loved hearing all the christian songs and just listening to Ryan recite what he had heard that day, like Jesus being buried in the "tube" and going to heaven.  I didn't have the heart to tell him it was actually called a tomb until a few days later.  I just kept wanting him to retell me the story of the tube!  Anyway, at Christmas time they always made the most adorable ornaments and gifts for their families.  The first year Ryan made an angel out of a teeny tiny picture of his face and a pipe cleaner halo, one white doilie and a gold doilie.  The next year he made what we call the Baby Jesus Hotdog.  It's a piece of pink paper wrapped in a small paper plate to represent the baby Jesus wrapped in swaddling clothes.  It looks like a hot dog in a bun.  Then it was Zach's turn a few years later.  He bestowed upon us the baby Jesus peanut.  Yep, a peanut in the shell with 2 little eyes drawn on and a tiny piece of felt tied around it.  It lays in a yarn bed in a toilet paper tube cut in half.  These two things are usually the first put on the tree and the last to be taken off the tree.  I carefully place them in the ornament box so that they don't get damaged.  Someday I want to pass them along to them so they can put them on their own trees! 

Men

I have a lot of really great men in my life.  Men like my Dad, husband, brothers.  Little men like my sons and my nephews.  They all have a few things in common but I'd have to say the one that is the most important and that they ALL share is their love and respect for the women in their lives.  None that I know would ever think to talk down to, belittle, harrass or embarrass women, especially those that they live with.  The women are pretty special in their own right.  They are strong willed women, smart women that can carry on a conversation AND do six other things while having that conversation!  Too often anymore I hear about men (and sometimes witness it myself) that talk about other women with their wives in the room.  And it's not in a good way.  I don't expect my husband to never look at another woman or admire her looks and or personality or find someone attractive.  He's human, not dead!  I'm secure enough in my marriage and with myself that I'm not offenced by it.  But if he told me details on how he'd like to see her naked or something...he'd get an earful and a face full of fist.  Just kidding, I don't hit.  But still, do you get my point?  Mutual respect is huge in relationships.  If you don't have it, get it!

So...

I forgot to take my blood pressure medication today and I can totally feel it.  My poor fingers don't want to bend.   Speaking of bending appendages...I have never understood it when people say the weather is changing based on what body part is creaking, popping or hurting.  Your knee hurts?  Take an umbrella because that means it's gonna rain.  Ankles are swollen?  1 to 2 inches of snow.  Elbow popping?  Be prepared for tornadic activity.  By the way, I love that word, tornadic.  Just try to say it without feeling like a smarty pants.  Tornadic.  ToRnAdIc.  TORNADIC!!  Anyway, I haven't experienced any of these things yet so I can't swear to the scientific validity of them but still....

TORNADIC

Comfort Zone

I'm always amazed at how things turn out.  Several weeks ago I was "invited" to attend a conference for work.  And by invited I mean I was told I had to go.  Now this is a conference I've been to before, just last year, in fact.  With my company we have to share a room with someone.  This is waaaaaaaaaay out of my comfort zone.  For weeks last year I stressed hard core about rooming with someone.  Sharing a room with a stranger and having to get ready for your day in front of them is really uncomfortable.  It's all those routine morning and evening things that no one other than my husband and family should really be privy to.  Like how I brush my teeth.  Or how my face is all red and blotchy when I get out of the shower.  Or how I snore.  Last year, my roomie turned out to be an older lady that was just as new as I was.  We ended up having a nice time.  We had dinner together and even went out shopping one evening.  I was still not very comfortable but in the end I just figured it was life and something I had to do and regardless of how I felt, or how much I wanted it, I was not going to get my own room.  This year was a little different.  I found out I'd be rooming with a girl that I am a little familiar with due to a few other meetings but nothing like this.  We arrived separately and went into the meeting room.  I was really nervous because, again, unfamiliar with her.  Long story short, we got through the meeting, sat in the bar and had a few drinks with co workers, went back to the room and stayed up til 2 in the morning just talking and getting to know each other.  It was a little weird to get ready this morning with someone other than my husband in the room, but it turned out ok. I'm hoping I don't have to do this kind of thing anymore, sharing a room.  But if I just relax a little and take it for what it is, I'm finding that I'm pleasantly surprised!

Why I love that Ryan kid...

My boy Ryan is funny.  And I'm not just saying that because I'm his mom.  Sometimes he's funny on purpose and almost always knows how to crack me up.  But when he's funny by accident, just that random funny that happens...I love that the most.  Yesterday we were sitting next to each other at Pizza Hut.  Of course we're talking sports.  And all of a sudden this look comes over his face, like the light bulb went on and he turns to me and says in all seriousness, "Hey, I wonder if I could be in the Special Olympics since I'm in resource!?  I could run by all the other people and be like, "Hi", and get gold medals!"  He's also the kid that asked his dad if he wanted a "pumpkin sandwich" instead of knuckle sandwich.  Of course we still tease him about that!  I love Ryan. 

Studio Graphics

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We've won the lottery!

Yep, it's true, you read it right.  Steve and I have won the lottery.  A million times.  In our minds.  And we've spent it a million different ways in our minds, too.  We think of what we would do first and what we would never do.  Some of our ideas are the same and some are different.  We pretty much agree on charitable organizations to donate to.  The Humane Society, St. Judes, Thousand Pines are just a few that I can think of off the top of my head.  There are police and firefighter funds we'd donate to also.  Something for veterans.  All noble causes.  We've agreed that we would find or build a house that is absolutely perfect for us, complete with a "movie room".  Plush leather seating, popcorn machine, projector, etc.  Wouldn't mind having a bowling alley in the house.  Just because I could.  But we've agreed that we would never buy stupid stuff like suits of armor or $15,000 chandeliers because that's just crazy.  It's fun spending the money over and over again in a million different ways.  What would you spend it on?

Don't tell my sister....

but I'm googling how to write a bridesmaid toast.  I have to give one at her wedding in July and I have no clue how to begin.  I know what I should say, what I'm supposed to say.  But I have no idea what I'm actually going to say.  How do you toast someone that is so uniquely special and kind and compassionate?  How do you do it without tears?  How do you not put a little sidebar comment in there and tell her new marine husband you know 100 ways to kill him with your pinky if he doesn't make her happy??  I've got time so I will figure it out.  Maybe I'll just go with a nice Irish quote, something about having the wind at your back and blah, blah, blah.  Then again, maybe I'll just stick to the pinky thing and call it good.

What the.....

I'm really not sure when or how it happened.  I don't know if it's something I did or didn't do.  All I know is I can't stop it.  I'm aging!  The first sign?  My vision.  Can't see anything anymore without a magnifying glass, I swear!!  I feel like my dad. And I'm not even 40 yet.  The second sign?  Digestion.  Can't eat what or how I used to.  That's probably not such a bad thing though.  I just don't have the stomach I used to.  In more ways than one.  *Sigh*  The third sign?  Memory loss.  I can't remember what I was doing right in the middle of doing it.  I'm not liking this but the alternative isn't so great either! 

Steve

He's amazing.  And I love him very much.

Maybe an answer??

So I've been praying lately for something good to happen for our family.  Praying for positive change.  And today we could possibly have that change.  Not sure how things will work out but it's nice to know that God is listening and providing some sort of answers. 

21 Things I Like About Me....

I am having a pity party for myself.  I don't really want to do that so I'm trying to turn the negative thoughts into positive ones.  So I decided that I would pick a random number and make myself list that many things that I like about me and my life.  Here goes *in no particular order*:
1.   my name
2.   my hair
3.   my husband
4.   my Ryan
5.   my Zach
6.   my painted toenails
7.   my friends
8.   my family
9.   my dogs
10. my taste in television
11. my taste in books
12. my SUV
13. my job (mostly)
14. my sense of humor
15. my house (most of it)
16. my ability to rock the "hooker boot" look!
17. my caring heart
18. my randomness
19. my curiosity
20. my laugh
21. my eyelashes

Can you pick a number and list the things you like about yourself??  Try it!

Pity Party

Pity party table for one.  Maybe two, depending on the day.  I keep feeling like something is missing, like I should be doing something else, something more, something different.  But I don't know what it is.  I do know it's not anything spiritual.  And it's not relationship type stuff.  I also know myself well enough to know that I have really good intentions but super sucky follow through.  I have this idea in my head of a book I'd love to write, even have the title and everything but I have yet to write one word.  I want to send stuff out to a publisher or agent but feel like it's a lot of work for very little chance of it actually paying off.  I know that I am the only one that can change what I like, don't like and what I want and don't want, but I'm lazy and don't want to do it.  It's always easy to go the, well, easy route.  And I wish I weren't so lazy about all this stuff.  It's up to me and only me to change the things I don't like about myself and/or my situations.  Just rambling on and on here. 

Prayers needed

Friends and family going through some difficult times right now and prayers are needed.  One is being sent to Afghanistan and another has a "suspicious" lump.  Pray that God keeps these two loved ones safe and healthy and that their families are going to be ok too.

Thanks ~
Alicia

Seriously

Need a windfall of cash and good luck.  Or just cash.  I can make my own luck!  Some days you're the windshield.  Some days you're the bug.  And sometimes by days I really mean months. 

In 4 more days

I will be married for 16 years. To my best friend, my confidante and my soul mate.  It's all the same person of course.  I'd marry him all over again.  Funny thing is, I don't think many people expected it to last as long as it has.  Wish I would have made a few bets, we'd probably be able to take a vacation with our winnings!

Is it cold in here or is it just you?

Not sure what dear hubby and I have done lately to deserve the cold shoulders and attitude we've been receiving.  Is it community wide PMS?  Usually when you see your friends you greet them with a hi, hello or at least a wave.  Maybe a what's up.  But to ignore completely and act like you're not even there?  And then there are the people that talk behind your back.  Friends to your face but because of deeds and actions you just know they are waiting for you to leave the room so they can whisper to their other friends about you.  Friendships change over time and I know this.  I'm ok with this.  But abruptly? No warning? No confrontation?  No reason?  It's hurtful and confusing and it just plain pisses me off.  I'm counting down the days (approx. 365 x 8) until I can put this town in my rear view and head for much warmer climates, in more ways than one.

Last one to the car is a loser....

When my brother and I played it, it was called rotten egg.  As in, the last one to the car is a rotten egg.  With my boys it's the last one to the car is a loser.  It used to be that Ryan would say this to Zach and of course he's already half way to the car so Zach is the "loser" and would pout and get really upset by this.  Then Zach started getting wise.  And fast.  He can often out run his older brother so Ryan really has to get a head start now. 
Today, we're walking back to the car and Ryan says this.  At first Zach doesn't take any part in it.  But then... oh, it was beautiful to see what happened next.  This kid cracks me up!  He leans down, takes off his shoe and chucks it at my truck.  It hits with a huge thud, right on the hood.  Only it's not my truck.  Zach runs up, picks up his shoe, runs two cars over to our truck, gets in, shuts the door and slunks down into the seat.  Thankfully nothing was damaged and no one else seemed to notice. :) 

Pong

So today my husband told me that he would not want to live one day in my brain.  He said it's like a game of pong going on in there.  I have to agree.  It's kind of exhausting.  I over think and over analyze everything. 

And on another note, we were talking today about our anniversary coming up.  16 years this coming Friday.  Yes, yes, thank you, it is awesome! :)  Anyway, we were deciding on if we were going to make plans or if we were just going to hang out at home and chill.  We don't usually make "date night" a priority.  I said I didn't really care if we went into town for a meal or anything but I did want to go to the hobby store and each pick out something that we wanted to do just for fun.  We always do our duty and meet our obligations and responsibilities, but where is the relaxation, the fun, the JOY?  I think maybe I'll buy a cheap set of oil paints, a few brushes and a canvas and go to town.  Even though I don't have an artistic bone in my body and can't draw a straight line, I think it will be lots of fun just to try.  I'm wondering what he will pick out. 

So many sad, weird things in the news today.  And so many pathetic news makers too.  There is a story on the web right now about a dog and her owner that is absolutely heart breaking.  The dog is old and has problems with her spine making it very difficult to walk.  He feeds her by hand because she can't move well.  His family said their goodbye's, including 2 little boys, and he took her in to be euthanized.  The doctor gives her the shot and he takes her home to be buried in the family's backyard.  He goes to dig the hole and several hours later he goes to get the dog.  She's STANDING up, obviously alive!!!  Now he doesn't have the heart to put her down again.  Or the money.  It's so unbelievably sad.  And she's still not well.  The recent suicides of young men and women that are bullied in person and bullied on the internet.  Just sad and wrong on so many levels.  Then the stories that are just stupid, that actually make the "news".  "The Situation" gets booted off "DWTS"...who cares?!  The latest Brangenlina story??  Really? 
But the great news today, the miracle for today...the rescue of all 33 Chilean miners!  Now, that is newsworthy.  Thank God for the miracle!

Heart lifting

Just a little bit ago, Zach sat down next to me and asked me why I love him.  I said, "first, you are my son.  Second, you are kind hearted, funny, random, considerate and handsome.  Why do you love me"?  He said, "First, you are my mother.  And there are so many reasons I love you I can't even say why I do".   Ahhh, I really love that kid!

The Indian and the white girl

The wise Indian sits on my right shoulder and whispers in my ear all the good things I should be doing or thinking and tries to reason with me.  The crazy white girl sits on my left shoulder and says "girl, please".  Usually I listen to the wise Indian.  Sometimes I really prefer that crazy white girl.  The Indian says, "you have plenty, you don't need to buy or pay for anything else.  Save your money".  The crazy one says, "maybe you should upgrade your phone so you can get email on it and all those other goodies!"  I actually am on the computer less and respond to email less than ever before.  That was a wise move.  I really hate it when the crazy white girl wins.

Conflicted

For the most part I really like my job.  And I think I'm pretty good at it.  I get frustrated with families that have no ambition to be better than where they are at now.  I get frustrated at the ones I see using and abusing the system.  We try to help them reach self sufficency and give them tools to try to get out of poverty.  Poverty is a sad thing.  That's really not the point of my blog, that's a blog all on its own.  I'm frustrated because the pay sucks!  My boss told me we don't do this for the money.  Yeah, well I don't like doing it for damn near free, either.  I'm kinda stuck right now but mostly I'm probably just in a funk and feeling sorry for myself.

Fos/adopt

I never really thought about having kids until I actually got pregnant.  Then I worried that all the tests for Down Syndrome or any other "syndrome" would come back positive.  I worried that my baby boy would have red hair and look like Danny Bonaduce.  I would hyperventilate at the thought of the baby trying to come out.  What if he got stuck and couldn't breathe?  What if I accidentally suffocated him inside my own body?  Sheer panic, I tell ya!  But then I had him.  Out the window instead of through the door as my husband likes to say.  He did get stuck but everything turned out ok.  Now that first baby is almost 15 and the second one is almost 11.  And now I would like another kid.  Not a baby and not a toddler, I know my limits.  I work with 17 3-5 year olds every day and I can honestly say that I love that age but it would be like starting over for us.  We're in the home stretch of having an empty nest (yes, yes, it will be a while still, but the "end" is in sight) and we have plans for when the kids leave us.  So the alternative is to foster or adopt or fos/adopt an older child.  We've discussed the benefits of another boy or the thrilling unknown of adding a girl.  We're already parents to boys so we know we can handle it.  Ryan and Zach have very specific criteria for the child, but gender isn't a huge deal to them.  I say no one can be older than Ryan since he's our first born and being the oldest is his role in this family.  Zach does not want anyone younger than him.  He thoroughly enjoys being the "baby" of the family.  Zach wouldn't mind having an older sister.  That means I'd become an instant mother or mother figure to a 12 or 13 year old girl.  Which means I'd add a hormonal, emotional girl to my hormonal, emotional boys.  I think I'm crazy for considering it.  But I do like the idea of having another girl in the house.  The boys would take her under their little wings and protect her.  I also think I'm living in fantasy land to think that it would actually go just that smoothly.  I'm rambling of course.  I'm confused.  I love the thought and the idea of fostering/adopting and we've started the process, about a third of the way through the whole thing.  We know there is a need for caring foster parents and a definite need for older children to have forever families.  Anyway, I think I'll stop there for right now.  Give it some more thought.

My amazing honey

So yesterday was my long day.  Twelve and a half hours, thank you very much.  And it happened to be my husband's only day off this week.  I came home for lunch and found that the dishes were done, the laundry had been started, the kitchen had been swept AND mopped and I could hear the vac running.  By the time I got home all the laundry was DONE, the kids had been fed and Zach had his homework completed.  Way to be on top of things honey!  I'm thankful that you are mine!

Mixed feelings...

Got to hang out with Ryan's girlfriend tonight.  Well, not really hang out but...get to know her a little better I guess.  He told me that she was kind of loud and I have now figured out that what he meant was "outspoken".  She really does say what's on her mind.  She certainly isn't afraid to tell me that she really likes my son.  I guess I'm glad for that. :)  He's a good kid and I trust him.  Not so sure about her yet though.  Not saying she's not a good kid, I just don't know her well enough yet to determine that.  Anyway, right now they are in the living room watching a movie.  Ry also has another friend over so there is a "chaperone" so to speak, but they still don't have a parent hovering.  So it's a win win.  She's bold enough to say that she wants to sit with him on the chair and bold enough to do it right in front of me.  It's a big chair by the way.  I'm not sure if I like her being that bold.  Like I said, I just don't know her well enough.  Hmmmm....

Today I saw pictures from my cousin's wedding.  It made me think of Ben, the beautiful son she lost in a tragic accident a few years ago.  She got remarried and in one of the pictures it shows a rainbow in the background with a caption that says something like, "Ben was letting us know he was there with us and he approved!".  It made me tear up a little because it was just so perfect.  A hot August day in Arizona and all of a sudden, a beautiful rainbow right as his mom is taking a picture.  Atta boy Ben! But it makes me sad to think about her and her sadness of missing her son.  He was about the same age as my oldest almost is now and I can not imagine my life without this wonderful kid in it.  Forever Ben will be 15.  Forever Ben will not have had an opportunity to get his driver's license.  Forever Ben will not be married or have kids of his own.  And my heart aches for her for all those things that will never be.  So I'm glad she is finally seeing some happiness in her life. 

I'm also trying not to drive myself crazy thinking about the holidays already.  Maybe I should just save that topic for another time.  I think it's time to get Ry's girlfriend home anyway.  I'd hate for her to miss curfew and not be able to go to the homecoming dance tomorrow!  It's also time for me to just shut my brain off and let it rest and recharge for tomorrow. 

Until tomorrow, then......

Week of Monday's

I had 3 Monday's in a row this week.  I'm tired of Monday's and they suck anyway.  The first Monday we were short staffed.  The second Monday we had 2 kids drop from our enrollment.  The third Monday we sent 2 kids home (same family) with lice.  AGAIN!  First, I want to know why it's so hard for this family to get rid of it when they have been given all the information and materials on how to get rid of it.  Why the reinfestation over and over and over again???  Second, I'd like to know why just the word LICE makes me go crazy.  The minute the teacher says "hey, I need to check so and so's head", I get all twitchy.  My eyebrows start itching.  So not kidding.  
Ok, that's the end of the gripe session.  I just want a normal week next week, only one Monday please.  Is that too much to ask?  
Football game tonight.  Homecoming parade and homecoming game tomorrow.   Saturday taking my oldest and his girlfriend on their first date to the movies.  Dropping them off, that is.  I would never go in with him! lol  He'd be mortified for life! Sunday another football game for the youngest.  And then it's Monday all over again. 

Crouching mom, hidden chocolate

Not sure what happened but somehow I ended up with a kid with a major sweet tooth.  I'm not just talking a few sugary snacks a week, it's on a daily basis.  I know, I know, it's probably all my fault, I never breastfed him.  No really..... I buy it and keep it in the house.  I've tried to teach moderation but it never seems to work on any of my family.  I think I will just stop buying it.  Biggest Loser is back on as of tonight so I will be sure to watch and get motivated to be healthy!  Anyway, about this sweet tooth.  This kid can sniff sugar out anywhere.  I hide stuff every where.  In kitchen cabinets, in pots and pans, even in my underwear drawer.  With the underwear drawer my theory was, there is NO WAY kids will go through their mother's underwear drawer just to find candy.  Mine did.  He's only 10 but has this uncanny ability to find chocolate and sugar stashed in my underwear drawer but most mornings can't find his own shoes.  I might have found the perfect place though, finally.  I've had a Hershey's bar hidden in the freezer stashed behind the zuccini for over 2 weeks not and he hasn't found it yet.  Considering I'm about to eat it he'll never get the chance to even look for it! :)

This midwestern life...

There have been a lot of changes in our lives and how we do things since we've moved to the midwest.  The boys joined a 4H club shortly after we arrived in town.  They've learned many skills and made many friends.  Tonight we had our awards banquet and I saw Ryan hanging out with his friend Alex.  They just have this 14 year old boy way of doing things.  It's alternately annoying and heart warming.  But, as usual, I digress... 4H gives kids opportunities to learn new things, things they probably would never try.  It gives them leadership skills, communication skills and people skills.  When they turn projects in to the fair they often have to interview with a judge about their project.  It's a little intimidating for a kid, but the more they do it the more they learn and (usually) the better the ribbon placing.  If you have a 4H chapter in your county I encourage you to check it out! 

They've created a monster!

So I've never been a big football fan.  One of my brothers played Pop Warner and kept playing until his sophmore year in high school.  At one point I was even a cheerleader for his Pop Warner team.  But I had no stinkin clue about the in's and out's of football, didn't know the rules, didn't even know what the heck first and ten meant.  My boys play now and I am finally figuring out how this game is played.  Our oldest is in high school and our youngest in 5th grade.  They both play.  Being in a small town means our oldest, who is a freshman, gets to play a lot of football.  He's on the 9th and 10th grade team, the JV team and sometimes even gets to play varsity.  Our kid in 5th grade plays on the 5th/6th grade Optimist team.  This means we go to a lot of practices and a lot of games.  It's not unusual to travel more than an hour one way to watch a game.  Last Sunday we sat in 90 degrees, getting sun burned, sweating.  Today we will sit with blankets covering our legs and umbrellas covering our heads.  It's not just my kids that I enjoy watching now, though.  It's not unusual for me to be the one to check nfl.com to find out who is playing whom and when.  We aren't huge college football fans, even being here in Nebraska.  And the boys have a definite favorite nfl team.  I don't have a preference but I have started making wild predictions.  My husband just laughs at me, thinks I'm crazy for predicting that the Cowboys will do better than everyone thinks.  I don't think they will win big this year, just that they will do "not bad".  Anyway, gotta get a move on, get ready to drive an hour and 20 minutes one way to watch a game in the misty rain.  Go Raiders!!  (Optimists Raiders, not Oakland - no crazy predictions for them this year, I'm afraid!)

Reality Beef

I have a beef with so-called "reality" shows.  I think they show just how low our society has sunk.  It used to be that you could tun on the TV and not worry about hearing bad words or seeing bad things.  IF you were going to see something that was deemed too violent or too sexy it was after the kids were already in bed.  With so many choices today you can see anything, anywhere, anytime.  Paris Hilton is a role model?  The Kardashian's too?  That's just a damn shame.  Television executives are to blame but so are we.  Parents need to keep a better eye on their kids and their viewing habits.  Parents also need to just turn the channel.  If there is no audience, there is no show.  I know my opinion may not be popular but I also know that I am not alone in feeling the way I do.  Agree?  Disagree?  Let me know!

Pus and Custard

Both of my kids are pretty random but my youngest boy really cracks me up.  The other day out of the blue he says, "Mom, ya know what word I hate?  Pus.  And custard.  Just say them.  Pus.  Custard.  They both just sound disgusting."  This is also the kid that asked if Yoda wore shoes.  Love him!

Why is batter better?

I like cookie dough better than the cookie.  I like brownie and cake batter better than the finished product.  Not sure why, but I prefer it that way.  Anyone with me on that?